Coping with Breastfeeding Grief

By Karen Miles, IBCLC


Grief over unmet, personal breastfeeding expectations can weigh heavily on the heart and mind. Even after you feel you have processed the experience and made peace with the past, the sadness may creep back up again unexpectedly. If you find yourself in these shoes, how do you cope with the feelings of loss and move towards healing?

A short walk down memory lane…

I will share a snippet of my own story in case it helps someone else. You see, years ago, if I noticed another mom blissfully breastfeeding at the mall – or if I read a magazine article about the benefits of nursing past such-and-such age – I would sometimes feel a momentary wave of sadness pass over me. I loved the closeness of nursing my first child, but I also had a rocky time nursing (and pumping) then and ended up stopping sooner than I had originally planned.

During that difficult season, I am thankful a retired breastfeeding peer counselor took the time to listen to how I was feeling and taught me to give myself grace. She helped me recognize that I did the best I could at the time with the information and support I had at that time.

It wasn’t easy navigating an early postpartum health emergency that may have impacted my milk supply. Or, a cross-country move shortly after giving birth. Or, several exhausting months of doing “triple feeding”: I would breastfeed, top off the baby with previously pumped milk, and then pump more for the next time in order to offset a struggling milk supply and feeding challenges. Looking back, I can also see that some of the challenges I faced were outside of my control.

Together, my sweet baby and I had made it through all of those things. Plus, we had the blessing of a growing social network in our new hometown. And thanks to all that time pumping, I discovered my child adored puppet shows and story time with silly voices. I may not have discovered that if I hadn’t been hooked up to a pump so much, looking for ways to keep my baby entertained! (Those were the days before hands-free wearable pumps.)

Boomerang grief

Imagine my surprise when years later, my second child was born and nursing came easily. A surge of breastfeeding grief made a surprise return. Where did that feeling come from when things were going so well? You see, it made me wish that I could travel back in time with the breastfeeding knowledge I’d gained through reading and attending breastfeeding support groups, and make some changes to have a different breastfeeding experience with my first child. Hindsight can be annoying, can’t it?

But I have learned to not allow myself to linger in a woulda, coulda, shoulda state of mind. Instead, now as an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) myself, I strive to follow the same advice I offer to others facing breastfeeding grief. (Yes, my babies inspired a career change!)

• Give yourself grace.
• Recognize how difficult the experience was.
• Acknowledge that you did the best you could with the information and support you had at the time.
• Recognize that you cared for your baby's needs through nutrition, constant care, and love.
  

Do you, too, struggle with breastfeeding grief?

Perhaps you’ve tried to make peace with it, but the emotions keep wafting back, like the ocean tide. And perhaps some of the grief may be related also to a difficult birth experience, medical complications for you or baby, separation from your baby after delivery, or feeling inadequately supported during a really vulnerable time. If any of that resonates with you, check out the book Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter, or the author Amy Brown’s website for a few of the book’s great insights. Besides being an author and researcher, Dr. Brown is a psychologist and a professor of maternal and child public health at Swansea University in the United Kingdom.

Drawing on Amy Brown's book Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter, along with my own personal and professional experiences, here are 10 ideas that may help you work toward healing from past (or present) breastfeeding experiences:

1. Know that grief over any personal lactation goals that were unmet is normal. If your partner, sibling, or others are telling you to essentially get over it, don’t grow bitter. They likely mean well but may have never experienced a breastfeeding goal unreached. Remind them that it is normal to grieve a loss, just as someone may grieve a job loss, or a goal or dream unfulfilled.
   
   
2. If your breastfeeding grief feels really heavy, or if thoughts about your feeding or perinatal experience cause significant distress, interfere with daily life, affect sleep, feel traumatic, or negatively impact your mental health, ask your primary care physician for a referral. It may be to a licensed professional counselor (LPC), a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), psychiatrist, psychologist, or another mental health professional, depending on your needs and symptoms. Preferably someone with experience in trauma and grief counseling, and who has past experience counseling postpartum patients.
   
   
3. Consider talking about your feelings with a lactation consultant or a breastfeeding peer counselor, as I did. Or alternatively, talk with a postpartum doula instead if you have one, suggests Brown’s website. Lactation consultants, breastfeeding peer counselors, and postpartum doulas are not mental health experts (unless also trained separately, professionally, as such). However, they are often excellent listeners and typically have the shared value of supporting breastfeeding and weaning experiences. Plus, you may already have a relationship with one who knows some of your health history.
   
   
4. Consider confiding in a trusted friend about your struggle. If you decide to talk about your feelings with one or more personal friends, choose carefully which one(s). Do they generally listen well? Do they welcome talking about feelings in a supportive manner? And can they respect your experience, regardless of their own feeding choices or beliefs?
   
   You may, for example, find it unproductive or even a turn-off to confide in someone who quickly redirects the conversation to what they think should matter most. Feeling heard and understood can be an important part of healing.
   
   
5. Treat yourself with grace and kindness. Pause and reflect: Would you talk to a good friend the way you talk to yourself in your internal dialogue? Try to remember: Breastfeeding journeys are often influenced by many outside factors which may have been beyond your control.
   
   Consider journaling about your lactation experience as I did, if you like journaling. In fact, in retrospect I wish that I had taken journaling one step further by doing this: “Replying” in my journal with words of encouragement to myself, as if addressing a dear friend going through a challenging time. Then, “practicing” the same level of caring in my internal self-talk throughout the day.
   
   
6. Do some soothing activities. On nice weather days, Brown recommends to get outside in nature, which can feel healing. For example, take a stroll in the park, wildlife refuge, or lake-side. But a safe neighborhood street will also suffice, if your time window is too short to travel; sunlight alone can lift your mood. Even 15 minutes can make your mental and emotional load feel lighter.
   
   Is it rainy or cold outside? Try calming and centering activities: breathwork, prayer/meditation, stretching, journaling a gratitude list, crafts with your older child, or self-care like a warm bath at the end of the day. Scrapbooking alone and with friends really helped me; it reminded me of the many precious moments with my babies beyond breastfeeding – such as at the park with them, at church events together, and with other families in our play group.
   
   
7. Don’t withdraw from your trusted social circle. Stay connected, at least with those whom you feel are supportive if you are struggling. Is a friend in the same “baby season” of life?
   

   - Walk in the mall, or at the farmers market, with your babies while you shop.
   - If you have been cleared to exercise after delivery, use a “free guest pass” to get your friend exercising alongside you in your gym class. A little time away from caregiving may help clear your mind.
   - Have enough floor space at home? Laugh together while you both attempt a gentle YouTube pilates or “mommy and me” workout. Remember, research shows laughter can be healing (and fun), too. Plus, doing fun activities with your baby will remind you of all the other facets of life you can enjoy with your baby.

8. Consider commemorating your breastfeeding journey in a way that feels meaningful to you. I wish I could travel back to that season of life and talk myself into saving a bag of breast milk from which to create breast milk jewelry as a memento. Instead, I journaled. Others may opt to create a scrapbook page that captures a special feeding moment, putting together a memory box including a small breast pump part, or even planting a tree or flowering shrub in the yard. The goal is to honor the love, effort and care you gave your child during that season of life. 
   
   
9. Explore avenues to help others, whether that be through volunteering occasionally for a cause that you are passionate about – as recommended in the book Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter – or less formally, through simple acts of service toward people you know. Even small acts of kindness can make a difference while enhancing your sense of purpose and connectedness. For example, baking an extra loaf of banana bread for a friend who is sick when you are already making one for your own family can lift your friend’s spirits – and your own – at the same time!
   
   
10. If the feelings of breastfeeding grief or regret return, repeat one or all of the steps above. Grief is a process and is often not linear. Try not to expect (or seek) a one and done solution that makes the breastfeeding grief disappear forever. Give yourself a healthy dose of grace and self-compassion if it returns. And remember to enjoy the many chapters to come in your parenting journey.
    
    

Karen Miles is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) and Lactation Content Specialist with Milkify.

This article is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or be a substitute for personalized medical advice or professional counseling. Please consult your healthcare provider, or your baby’s healthcare provider, for any questions you may have related to your, or your baby’s, specific health circumstances.

Image Credit: Lila Patel, Generated with AI / stock.adobe.com